The Short Story of DOOOM!

Sorry to harp on about one topic but I've just thought of a good metaphor I can use for all my problems with Christianity.

It takes the form of a short story, so I'll write the story first and the explanation after.

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Imagine the universe is a school. God is the Teacher and you are a pupil. Life is the classes and every exam is a test of morality.

Say The Teacher one day gave an exam that would test all the knowledge that the pupils had learned throughout the class. 

The Teacher  sets the pass mark to 99.99999999999961 percent. Knowing full well that the pupils cannot attain that. As punishment for each failure The Teacher plans to administer corporal punishment. Say, 10 strokes of the cane for every percentage point below the pass mark. But soon The Teacher realizes that all the pupils are failing and the debt of punishment grows waaaay to high to humanely administer. The Teacher then DECIDES that the only thing that will suffice is for Him to punch Himself repeatedly in the face with a chalk board eraser. He does nothing at first but occasionally sends his messengers to the students, telling them that they better pass "or else!"

When The Teacher can't bear to contemplate the ludicrously brutal beatings He'd have to administer, He dashes into the exam room and valiantly smashes Himself in the face with the eraser. As He does so He explains to the students that He is doing this for them. To save them from the terrible beatings awaiting them because of His own made-up grading requirements. He loves them and does not want them to die beneath the stroke of His cane. He then passes out from the head trauma.

He awakes 3 hours later, looking refreshed. He proclaims that now All the students will pass, all they have to do is Try their absolute hardest. Just that. Try really hard and you will pass, but if you don't try really hard then you shall fail, by His arbitrary standards. How does he quantify and grade all this "trying"? He never tells the students. He then promises to come back one day and give them a FINAL exam that will end all exams, before floating off to delighted laughter from the children. 

The Teacher pauses only briefly to adjust his grading scale to a more realistic 50% to allow for more of His pupils to pass. Then He continues to administer the same lessons He did before, to the same students in the same classroom.

THE END

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I feel that this is a fairly accurate analogy of the essence of Christianity. My justification is below:

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Imagine the universe is a school. God is the teacher and you are a pupil. Life is the classes and every CAT is a test of morality.

Say God one day gave a final exam (Death and judgment) that would test all the knowledge that the pupils had learned throughout the class. 

In Christianity we are told that Jesus came to offer us everlasting life and stop us from perishing.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that everyone believing into Him should not perish, but have everlasting life"

This is to say that before Jesus, we perished (The pupils could not pass the exam). But after Jesus we have everlasting life (pass the exams)

Seems straight forward...

In order to do this, Jesus had to suffer and die as the "Ultimate Sacrifice" to God so as to wipe away the huge debt of sins that humans have. BUT God is also... Jesus. Aaaaand the whole debt-of-sin thing is ENTIRELY created by God as his own celestial accounting system. Literally we would NEVER HAVE KNOWN ABOUT IT IF HE DID NOT TELL US. That is how little meaning it really has.

It's like the teacher setting an exam for the students but setting the pass mark to 99.99999999999961 percent. Knowing full well that the pupils cannot attain that. As punishment for each failure the Teacher plans to administer corporal punishment. Say, 10 strokes of the cane for every percentage point below the pass mark. But soon the Teacher realizes that all the pupils are failing and the debt of punishment grows waaaay to high to humanely administer. The Teacher then DECIDES that the only thing that will suffice is for Him to punch Himself repeatedly in the face with a chalk board eraser.

Remember that at no point are the pupils even aware of any of this, all they know is the class and the exams.

He does nothing at first but occasionally sends his messengers to the students, telling them that they had better pass "or else!" The many, many repentance prophets.

Finally when the Teacher can't bear to contemplate the ludicrously brutal beatings He'd have to administer, He dashes into the exam room and valiantly smashes Himself in the face with the eraser. As He does so He explains to the students that He is doing this for them. To save them from the terrible beatings awaiting them because of His own made-up grading requirements. He loves them and does not want them to die beneath the stroke of His cane. He then passes out from the head trauma. 

He awakes 3 hours later, looking refreshed. He proclaims that now All the students will pass, all they have to do is Try their absolute hardest (have faith) just that. Try really hard and you will pass, but if you don't try really hard to pass then you shall fail by my standards (seems a tad self-evident). He then promises to come back one day and give the FINAL exam before floating off to delighted laughter from the children. The children never stopped to question why any of this mattered to them, seeing as Teacher/God was the solution AND the problem.

 

The Teacher pauses only briefly to adjust his grading scale to a more realistic 50% to allow for more of His pupils to pass. Then He continues to administer the same lessons He did before, to the same students in the same classroom. From the students perspective NOTHING EVER CHANGED.

So then, what was the point??????????????

THE END

Kindly leave a comment and let me know if theres anything you'd like to correct me on. Or if you just think I have this all backward, I'd appreciate if you let me know. Thanks.