So who am I talking to exactly?

 

Hi

Hey..

OH MY GOD THERES DEMONS AND SHIT COMING TO GET YOU!!!!!!

WHAT?

They're from a parallel universe! When you die you go there and they make you pay horribly for all the bad things you've done....

What?

yup...bad things over there, you don't want any part of them.

I don't?

Nope.

Okay what do I do?

Give me your utter obedience and devotion and I will reward you with protection from the bad things in the other universe that I created for you.

Wait..you created them?

Wait! Did I tell you how BAAAD things are over there? Real bad man. There's like fire and demons and butt-stuff over there.

But you said that you creat...

AND! and, I can like, totally help you out over here too man.

you can?

yeah dude. Just like, pray and stuff and I guarantee that I'll totally hook you up with whatever you want man.

Anything?

well....not exactly anything....it would kinda have to be already coming to you....you know...destiny and all that

So will I get what I pray for or not?

........Maybe....if you're reeeeaaaallly sure that you'll get it. I will probably give it to you.

If I'm sure.... Okay. I'm sure I you'll give me an end to disease and needless suffering in the world. Even you want that right?

errrmmmmm....

RIGHT?

Lets call it 50/50 on the whole prayers thing...

What?

you win some...you lose some....eh

WTF? so no end to suffering?

Not so much....

So what do I get?

Ermmm...here I'll do this...I'll give your pastor a HUGE mansion and a Mercedes Benz so that you can feel happy that you belong to a church where I am doing miracles and such...

That doesn't seem terribly fair....

AND!...let me finish...And.....remember that job promotion you wanted? That one you've been steadily working your way up the corporate ladder for? The one that you were passed up for last year because they wanted someone younger but they got sick on the eve of a crucial presentation and the company almost lost their biggest client? And you called and begged the client for another meeting and spent a week without sleep to prepare the required documents and made a killer presentation and the company got its biggest order yet? Remember how much that pleased management? Remember how they subsequently gave you the promotion you wanted?

Yeah I remember that...

all that man? ALL Me dude.

What?

Yup. Impossible for you...Possible for Me. For there is no power but of Me.

Wow.

Yes...I am fantastic.

So about those bad things...?

REAL bad things man. Heavy shit.

Okay...Can I see them?

Not in this life.

So they're invisible?

Sorta...

So will I have any proof of their or for that matter your existence before I die?

Nope...Not from me at least...plenty of people will claim to know or have seen but I can neither confirm nor deny any of it till you're safely dead.

I see....

C'mon buddy, I sense you're losing faith here.....remember that job? huh? remember that? you were never going to get that without me.

I guess you could be right....

No, trust me on this. You can achieve nothing on your own man. Your full of bad sins and shit. Bad stuff man. You're like basically the worst thing there is. Like a fountain of poop ........ a Pountain. All humans are...without me that is.

really?

Yeah dude, think about uhhh...rape. Rapes pretty bad, people do that you know.

That is pretty shitty....

There you go. But I can make you better. I can make you whole! and much less poopy.

Okay! I believe! what do I have to do????

Just give money to literally ANYONE who mentions my name to you! You gotta reap before you can sow right?

AMEN!!!!!!!!